If you’ve been in a relationship long enough, there are times when you may feel distant or get stuck in the routine of daily life. Relationship ruts can be dealt with or they can eventually disintegrate an otherwise great relationship. Before your relationship goes down the tubes, take the initiative with your loved on to make the small changes that can create big results.

1. Admit You’re in a Rut

Admitting your relationship is in a rut is the first step towards improving your relationship. Sit down with yourself and list the reasons why you’ve let your relationship get to its present point. Admit responsibility first before assigning blame to anyone and anything, like the kids, your job, and your responsibilities. Circumstances, children, and our life is a result of our conscious and unconscious decisions. Take a moment to accept responsibility for how things are and admits those reasons honestly.

2. Talk About Your Fears And Feelings

Once you have listed the reasons why you’ve let your relationship get into a rut, sit down with your partner to discuss them. Many times, our relationships get into ruts because of some kind of fear – fear of trying something new, fear of failure, fear of getting outside of our comfort zone are just a few examples. If it’s difficult to communicate your fears without flying off the handle or getting offended (or offending), sit down with a neutral party like a counselor, psychologist, or a coach to help facilitate a healthy conversation.

Unburdening yourself of your fears can open up your dialogue to get down to some real matters of the heart and mind. Being open and vulnerable towards your spouse can put you both on a level playing field when it comes to dealing with your issues together.

3. Don’t Assume Your Partner’s Feelings

It’s easy to assume what our partner is feeling and thinking, but the thing is we never really know what is going on in their mind. Many times, my clients say, “I know he won’t go for that…” or “She won’t understand me.” I always ask them, “Is this really true or are you making an assumption in place of simply searching for the truth?” Working on steering clear of assumptions and opening up a dialogue to ask our parter what they really think about an issue contributing to the relationship rut is an important step towards solving problems together.

4. Create a Vision

Getting caught up in the daily routine of responsibilities of work in family can create a misty veil that stand between us and our goals. Sit down together and come up with small, measurable goals that you can work on together. Whether they are joint goals or individual goals that you help each other accomplish together, establishing a vision where two are creating and focusing their energies will offer a renewed sense of purpose in your relationship.

5. Mix Things Up

Whether your goals involve big, life-changing moves or small, side-steps toward happiness, work together on mixing up your routine each day. It can involve making a new type of meal, going for walks in uncharted areas, trying new hobbies or establishing new routines. Involve something new and different each day and if you can, do something new and special for your partner instead of doing something for yourself.

Have any tips for getting out of a relationship rut? Share them here.

I hope to share the post-partum lessons I learned with other expecting mothers and fathers before the reality of parenthood strikes on your child’s birthing day to give a sense of confidence and peace during the first three to five challenging months.

5. Accept Help

As women, we have this tendency to take on as much as possible – if not everything – in order to relieve the load from our loved ones out of a sense of responsibility or out of guilt. Sometimes, we take on everything because we think we’re the only ones who can get things just right.

Taking on everything, combined with little sleep, can quickly cause burn out, anxiety, and depression. Take a step back and allow others to help. Allow your spouse, friends, or family members to step up and take over in areas that can relieve the burden of adjusting to a new family member and lifestyle.

Don’t be too proud to ask for help, either. One never knows where a better technique or a solution can be found. Trust and get the help to go forward with peace and a sound mind.

6. Steady and Sure Wins the Race

As an achiever, one of the things I learned during my pregnancy and post-partum experience is to take my time each day.

Achievers want to accomplish as much as possible in a short amount of time, feeling a sense of urgency in everything we do. The thing is, as I’ve mentioned before in this list, this can lead to burn out during a time in which we must take things easy and pace ourselves. Spread out projects and home tasks, instead. Assign days and dates to do specific chores and long-term projects, such as fitness and health goals, with small goals each day and week. You’ll thank yourself later for commiting to your projects while committing to taking care of yourself in a timely manner.

7. Accept Yourself

This is hard for women because we’re constantly judging ourselves. Whether it’s against an ideal or against other moms, it’s a habit that’s hard to break.

I know for me I was miserable being on bedrest for three months and gaining an amount of weight that I’d never known before due to a lack of physical activity. While I dropped more than half of the weight immediately after giving birth, I was left with a body that I wasn’t use to. I had all sorts of dreams about accepting myself and took it as a sign to love my changed body and to give myself the time and the chance to get back to where I wanted to be. Once I accepted myself, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and joy of getting to know a new version of myself.

8. Know It’s OK To Not Do It All

This goes a long the lines of accepting help, but it also means it’s ok to not have to do everything in a day or to be everything to everyone. Prioritization of what roles we need to play when and for whom matters. Maybe it means we can’t listen to the whining of our friends when they complain about their jobs or being the soccer mom who drives everyone to the games. Whatever you did before that takes up too much time, headspace and emotional energy can be put to the side while you adjust and if needed, be cut out competely. The post-partum months really force us to focus on what really matters in life – choose wisely and effectively.

I learned a lot of things about myself and motherhood that wasn’t discussed in the prenatal classes I took and amongst the discussions I experienced with my friends and family.

I hope to share the lessons I learned with other expecting mothers and fathers before the reality of parenthood strikes on your child’s birthing day to give a sense of confidence and peace during the first three to five challenging months.  

1. Pamper Yourself

Get a new haircut, a facial, nails done, etc. It’s important to take care of yourself and get a bit of pampering after all of the long nights, breast feeding fatigue, and the general tiredness that comes with being a parent and spouse.

Do whatever it takes to make you feel relaxed and pampered – it could be a warm bath, getting a massage chair to ease the aching back muscles, or going out and treating yourself. No matter what you do, make sure you get a spot of the high-priority list of love and tender loving care.

2. Get Some Me-Time

You’re already busy taking care of your newborn, but this could also mean taking care of your other children and responsibilities. I never understood the importance of getting out until I experienced the overwhelming feeling of being cooped up with my baby and housework.

So, if you can put your baby in a stroller and go for a long walk or give your baby to your trusted caregiver and get a break for yourself – even if it’s 30 minutes to get groceries, an hour reading a book at your favorite coffee shop, or visiting a girlfriend. Getting out can calm the nerves, give you a moment of autonomy, and make you feel refreshed. You don’t love your child any less when by getting a break for yourself. As some of my closest friends and family members told me once my baby arrived, “You’re being a better mother when you take care of yourself.”

3. Work on Those Perineum Muscles

Those perineum muscles went through what seemed to be a marathon throughout your pregnancy and delivery, yet it seems these muscles go ignored after your baby is born. Failing to reeducate the perineum muscles could lead to stress incontinence, prolapsed organs and even a perineoplasty, a surgery to correct the damage done to the perineum.

Work with your mid-wife or physical therapist beginning at six weeks after delivery to re-educate your. This is especially important if you eventually want to restart strong physical fitness routines such as running, tennis, and other high impact activities.

4. Socialize

Being alone with your newborn and children can suck away all of the adult thoughts right out of your brain. Take some time to socialize with some friends and family to talk about whatever you like – baby or non-baby subjects. Just by getting with other adults and feeling like you’re being heard can decompress and energize the mind and spirit.

This negative thought bothered her and created tension with her spouse who also is aware of the salary requirements their family needs to provide for their family. It was no surprise that the two of them clashed when it came to researching and planning their family’s financial needs and goals.

Cher came to me asking what she could do to get rid of this strife between her and her husband, the stress of worrying about whether or  not she could earn the money with the potential company, and the anxiety of having to turn down a great job all because of money.

When it came down to it, I asked her to break down what I call “Broken Records”. In this activity, we broke down the following areas:

1. The broken record (the negative thought)

2. The fear (or worst case scenario)

3. What she’s really trying to say

4. The small step she could take towards removing the broken record.

For Cher, the Broken Record was “The company is not going to offer the salary I need.”

The Fear was “I’m afraid I’ll have to turn down the great opportunity and get stuck in my present job which doesn’t pay enough.”

What she was really trying to say: “I don’t know how to convince the present company that I’m worth the salary I require.”

The negative thought pattern we identified has multiple layers: what we say to ourselves because of how we feel in an attempt to express what we honestly want to say. 

Cher identified the truth of her fears in order to break down her negative thought pattern. Together, we agreed that the small steps that she could take towards eliminating the negative thought pattern once and for all was to start by A) Asking an insider to the company what the salary range was for the position in question and B) Begin by determining her value proposition through another 4C Coaching activity called “I Have Value” so that she could confidently defend her reasons for asking for the higher salary.

By the end of this session, Cher was thrilled to have moved past an issue that had been bugging her for weeks. She realized that the negative thought, which was stimulated by a fear and lack of honesty, was bleeding over into other areas of her life such as her marriage and attitude towards money. By stopping this thought pattern, we could effectively improve her mood and with little effort, improve the other areas of her life.

If you are feeling stuck with a negative thought pattern, or broken record, take a few minutes to break them down. You’ll be surprised to find the answers are standing right in front of you and can help you stop the noise of a broken record and find peace from the issues you’re facing.

To learn more about Leslie’s 4C coaching activities and try a few sample coaching activities for yourself, sign up for the 4C Coaching Program and Client Dashboard now. It’s free. 

Here are some songs that I enjoy listening to to get me pumped up whenever I’m feeling a lack of focus, motivation, or energy. Hopefully they’ll give you the boost you need to start the day or to get back on the right track.

Share your favorite songs with me so I can extend my playlist!

Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen

Move By Yourself – Donavon Frankenreiter

Are You Gonna Go My Way – Lenny Kravtiz

What You Waiting For – Gwen Stefani
“Here you go, you’re officially inspired.”

Could You Be Loved – Bob Marley

Canned Heat – Jamiroquai

1. Recreate your first meal together. Or go to the location where you first shared a meal.

2. Have a love-in. Don’t leave your bed for the entire day (except to eat and go to the bathroom).

3. Make each other your favorite foods or drinks. Maybe start with dessert first?

4. Write 10 ways that you love your spouse or partner. If you’re feeling bold, go all the way to 100.

5. Send your lover a surprise at work. If you’re feeling generous, add something they can share with their colleagues. It’s a nice way to earn office points.

6. Have your kids learn your spouse’s favorite love song. Sing it all together (as long as it’s clean!).

7. Go to a nursery and hand pick your lover’s valentine’s bouquet one-by-one.

8. Make your own chocolates and hand feed each other.

9. Tell your love story to each other over a fine wine or champagne.

10. Give your lover a coupon book of 100 kisses to be used anywhere on their body at anytime! Ooh la la!

Photo Source: Vintage Clip Art

Circumstances. We either decide that they define us or we define them. We can use circumstances as a means to reveal our character in a positive way or allow our worst possible selves to come out. We often hope that a change of circumstance will make our lives better, so we wait for things to chance.

People who come to me for coaching begin wanting to just get out of the situation they’re in. They think if they can just change their situation, they’ll be happier and as we’ve learned throughout life and its many experiences, this is not always the case. We can have more money, more things, and a change of scenery and we can still feel unfulfilled and unhappy. So what is it that we can do to ensure, regardless the circumstance, that we can be happy and feel fulfilled?

After working with some clients for a while, their entire lives have changed, but realistically nothing has changed at all except for their outlook and acceptance of the responsibility they have over their circumstances. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard the phrase, “I feel so much happier despite the fact that little has changed.” By simply accepting this responsibility and appreciating where we are in the here and now – despite the circumstances – we have laid the foundation to thereby change the world around us. Let’s take a moment to reflect on what some of the greatest minds have to say about circumstances.

1. I am a very slave of circumstance. – Lord Byron

2. Men is not the creature of circumstances, circumstances are the creatures of men. We are free agents, and man is more powerful than matter. – Benjamin Disraeli

3. It always remains true that if we had been greater, circumstance would have been less strong against us. – George Elliot

4. What is the matter with the world that it is so out of joint? Simply that men do not rule themselves but let circumstances rule them – Ralph Waldo Emerson

5. Men think to men their condition by a change of circumstances. They might as well hope to escape from their shadows. – James Anthony Froude

6. Watch and profit by every circumstance. – Henri de Jomini

7. Circumstances reveal us to others and still more to ourselves. – La Rochefoucauld

8. People are always blaming their curcumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in the world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they don’t find them, they make them. – George Bernard Shaw

9. Circumstances should never alter principles. – Oscar Wilde

10. The men who are made bu circumstances are unmade by trifling misfortunes; while they who conquer circumstances snap their fingers at luck. - Anonymous

When we’re passionate about something – a cause, a group of people, an idea – and get caught up in the midst of working towards a goal it’s easy to forget that while we may be on the opposite side of an issue, we and our “opponents” are on the same path of spiritual growth and enlightenment. We may have differing views and ways of being, but we are all human, limited in our perspectives, and prone to mistakes which may or may not come from a place of compassion and love which puts us on all the same level.

The Indian philosopher and spiritualist, Sri Aurobindo once said, “Not only to see and find the Divine in oneself, but to see and find the Divine in all, not only to see one’s own individual liberation and perfection, but to seek the liberation and perfection of others is the complete law of the spiritual being.”

When we put down our “us vs. them” mentality and see how things really are – we are all connected and made of the same stuff – we can work toward bridging the gap of our misunderstandings in order to create an environment and dialogue of constructive change. It takes work to rise above our differences and our separateness to see that others are also hurting and growing through the growing pains of being a human being, but we can train ourselves with this kind of mindfulness that can help us reduce the friction between ourselves and others and help us work towards our goals and passions with more peace and compassion.

How do you put down your “us vs. them” mentality? How do you look to see our similarities as humans in order to work more cooperatively?

I will be on maternity leave until the start of 2013. Fear not! I will still be taking appointments and free consultations for the 2013 new year through my custom designed and one-of-a-kind online coaching dashboard, the 4C Coaching Dashboard.

In order to have a free consultation, access your readiness for coaching, book an appointment, learn about coaching, and have direct access to me, sign up for my 4C Online Coaching Dashboard. It’s free, easy and takes less than a few minutes to sign up.

I created the 4C program after four years of successfully coaching clients and understanding their coaching and administrative needs. The 4C Program is an skill building and life changing dashboard and one stop shop for all your coaching needs. Learn more about the 4C Online Coaching Dashboard and sign up today.